Move Me

When families to come together out of concern for their elder's well-being, issues of money are often at the root of the family's concerns. Has Mom been moving money around in new ways that don't seem to make sense? Does she have a new friend who she seems to be buying lots of gifts for or paying their way? It's natural to want to get to the bottom of what's going on out of concern for Mom's long term financial well-being, not to mention the emotional triggers that come up around discussions of money, Mom's or anyone's for that matter. The challenge will be to have a productive discussion around what seems to be a "problem." It's easy for things to turn into a shouting match over what the right thing is that needs to be done. This is where the tool of distinguishing between "positions" and "interests" can be invaluable. One family member might take the "position" that he/she/they should be in charge of Mom's accounts from now on because he/she/they are the most responsible member of the family. Another family member might take the "position" that we need to find out who Mom's new friend is and what is this money being spent on. "Positions" come from a place of black and white thinking, either/or, one choice to the exclusion of the other. If the family can stay focused and take a deeper dive into the problem, they may discover their "interests" in getting involved in the first place and that their individual interests tend to be more closely aligned that one might expect. The family member who takes the position that he/she/they should take charge of Mom's money is really just concerned about Mom's long-term financial well-being. And lo and behold! The family member who takes the position that we need to find out who this new friend of Mom's is and where is the money going just happens to have the same concern about Mom's long-term financial well-being! Once the family members move past their hardened positions and start looking at their interests the opportunity to make some real progress in working through a family dispute opens up.